I feel like at the stroke of midnight Feb 2nd 2014, I went from a happily single 29 year old to a marriage seeking 30 year old. I still hate weddings, still not crazy about kids, don't believe in "the perfect man", but I seriously want to find my best friend for life, my hommie, my love, my husband. Dating has gotten old and honestly the fact that I can land a date and buy a sweater on my phone, makes me hate this new world of dating even more. So this past May I met someone that shuck me to the core and made me believe that my days of swiping left, and unanswered text messages was finally over. It started with 'once upon a time', but it ended...well I'm not sure if it ended but.... ehhh here's what happened.
Our first date was in CITYCENTRE at Ruggles Green. He was on time, rather dapper, a total gentleman pulling out chairs and opening doors. He had an air about him that was humble but confident. All my plans of staying in control, being smart, and staying save dissolved pretty much at "hello". The attraction was automatic and a bit scary, especially since I had decided this wasn't going to go anywhere serious...cause you know I can see into the future and all. Fast forward over 6 months later, and the only thing I can say is that at no given point was he ever consistent, clear, or intentional. No calls for days, he complains about being alone but knows I am only minutes away, he says one thing but does another, and once again I am left wondering why the hell I stayed this long.
I have given the whole "this isn't working" speech, I've stopped calling, I walked away ( very slowly), and this past week I committed the ultimate relationship Harry Carey, and defriended him on Facebook. Most of the time I pulled away I think I just wanted his attention, but now I want to move on for good. He is not a bad guy. He may be one of the best men I have ever met, but I have learned that even if someone cares about you, if they don't love, trust, and believe in themselves, a relationship is D.O.A. If you can't trust one person in a relationship it doesn't make a difference if that person is you or the guy, one of you can't be trusted and so nothing can work. I tried to stick it out because I saw so much potential in him, but I have potential to be a serial killer just as much as he has potential to be in a committed relationship. Potential and probable are two totally different things. I get that now.
Of course there are many little subplots to this story, a lot of moments where he showed progress in meeting my needs and made efforts, but overall it's too little too late. In previous relationships I was always one more second chance away from being hurt, and this time I tried to beat him to the punch and pull away before more damage could be done. So with all this being smart and not letting history repeat itself, I still feel the sting of disappointment and starting over. Now that I am dating with intention to one day call someone my husband, I can't spend the best years of my life holding out for a maybe, which is just a delayed no. The search continues....