How to Be Single
So you're a single woman. You've gotten relationship advice from matchmakers, relationship specialists, TV, blogs, memes, Periscope, Youtube, TedTalks, and probably a fortune cookie or two. With this plethora of advice, tips, tricks, and secrets you're not sure whether to act like a lady and think like a man, or if he's just not that into you. If my last situationship taught me anything, it's that no one can be an expert on what will work for you expect....well you! It's good to get perspective, and sometimes necessary to get insight when you lack foresight, but even when you have a plan and a theory, somehow love just isn't black and white. So what do you do when you're single and sick of it?
Permission to Think
Stop the madness and give up seeking and taking everyone's dating advice. Gaining perspective is a good thing, yes, but forgetting to think all together because you have forgotten how to trust yourself...tisk, tisk. You can't trust people if you don't trust yourself with them. You have to know that regardless of what you have done in the past, you are now wiser and strong enough to create boundaries, and make someone accountable for how they treat you. If you can't develop and believe in your own ability to make wise choices, you'll never trust yourself or the people you choose to be in your life.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
You gotta be careful what you tell , and who you tell it to! Misery loves company. If your friends are on the 'men suck' bandwagon, it won't be long before they want you to ride shotgun. Now we girls love to talk, I know I do, but I firmly believe that one of my previous dating experiences was cut short because I got paranoid over what my friends were saying. Those close to us can project their fears, hostility, and bad experiences onto your relationships, and before long you're that crazy chick that only goes on first dates. Let's not forget we don't tell the whole story, and we are typically blameless when we do, so your friends are going to hear your side of what happened, side with you, and then make what could be a good guy, seem like a bad one.
Intentions Are Everything
Let's be real for a second. I have never been optimistic and excited when I sign up for an online dating site. It's usually boredom, frustration, or loneliness that has me creating a dating profile, never happy thoughts. In your search for the perfect man are you looking with desperation or hope? Are you searching with purpose, or expanding your search options to increase your odds of getting a date? I think we often get what we are looking for, even when we aren't sure what we are looking for. If you are looking for anything, anything comes. If you jaded and looking, you find someone to reinforce your jaded outlook. I always say if I can't date for the right reasons it's time to be alone and detox my thoughts, until I am confident that I can date with the right attitude, and intentions. What you think about, you bring about. More on this at the When Being Single Sucks workshop this Thursday.
Y'all Both Crazy
We are all unfinished people in various stages of development and progression. So while you aren't a hot mess, you still might not be in a place where you can endure the challenges of a relationship. What if the other person isn't up to par, and if you met them now you wouldn't get along? What if you have unknown and unresolved issues that would sabotage a new relationship? Here's an idea: Trust that there is a force greater than yourself that can take two people, having two difference experiences of the world, in various stages of development and maturity, and bring them together at such a time they would be willing, able, and ideal to cross paths and be one. Come on now, that's worth the wait.
All The Single Ladies
You've heard that saying that if you have 4 broke friends expect to be the 5th...well that goes for single friends too. At the very least try to meet someone that is in a long term relationship if not married. Now I love my single ladies, but we all speak with same language, go through the same sh*t, and surprise, surprise, we intermediately come to the same conclusions about men and dating. You have to expand you vision for your life, which means you have to expand your circle of influences on that vision. When your little world is single, it feels like that's all there is. Change your environment, and make friends with some women that are where you want to be.
In the end neither being single or in a relationship is easy when you are at odds with yourself. We are the common denominator in all of our relationships and so we have to guard our thoughts, tap into our true intentions, and be vigilant of who we associate with. Being single can be tough, but the moment you make it this horrible word, and men are some enemy that must be defeated with strategies, everyone has lost. Enjoy the space you're in, it's only temporary.